E of the H

Last 2 years ago, during a tragic situation, I was advised by a doctor to take care of my heart. I was also told to keep a regular exercise and enroll to a gym, and watch my food. This is to prevent daw some serious complications. And so I did. From then, I never stopped working out not mainly because I am aiming for some body toning, but for my health condition purposes. And also, I have always been maintaining an average food intake so to watch my diet.

Last year, I had been experiencing some mild attacks, which causes me to go to the hospital for a regular check-up. I've been doing this alone. Never did I mention this to my family or to anyone. Why? Because I am so afraid of this I never want to smell any fear or concern from other people. Handling mine is a tough one already. Ayoko rin nang kinakaawan ako nang tao. I just can't.

Last 3 weeks ago, after a not so mild attack which made me pass out, I had myself confined in the hospital the following day to check what's been going on. I was so scared at that time. I have no idea what's been going on. My body is becoming abnormal, feeling strange reactions inside. Then my doctor told me that I have some diseased muscle cells that is causing irregular heart rhythms, which is not functioning effectively as a pump.

And with that, it is possible that I could be having an Enlargement of the Heart.

The doctor said that some people can have varying degrees of heart enlargement and have no symptoms at all. He also explained why at times, I am having shortness of breath, pressure or pain I feel in my chest, palpitations like a rapid beating or skipping beats, swelling legs, intense dizziness and sometimes, loss of consciousness.

Walang pinipiling oras itong mga atake na ito. It just happens at any time, even while I'm resting. Kaya I had to undergo physical examination, chest x-ray and ECG this week, and some other tests to diagnose my condition. Today, I had to undergo to an echocardiogram test where they used a form of ultrasound similar to that used to look at gallbladders, kidneys, and pregnant women’s babies.

In fairness, I am amazed how our medical technologies nowadays. It's a computer and monitor and a small plastic probe and some gel placed on my chest which can directly show the size and thickness of the heart muscle in each chamber. It can also gauge heart function, an important piece of information when deciding how to treat a possible enlargement.

That is why I was asked to file for a leave at work. They want to identify specifically what is causing it. If it's work stress, night work, physical activities, exposure to something, hereditary, or etc. Again, it's just a possible enlargement. It's not yet E of the H. I am nervous to know the result, but I guess, I have to really know it. I am missing a lot in the office and my body has been wanting to work already.

I'm getting weaker and weaker. I'm losing my strength. I've been stucked at my room for 3 days already. Wala na akong magawa kundi manood nang DVD or mag-internet. Pinagbawalan din akong makipag-usap sa mga taong may problema. Hay. Nakakabagot. Minsan, natutulala na lang ako. Andami kong iniisip. Andaming sumasagi sa utak ko. Kinakain ako minsan nang takot. What if one day, bigla na lang akong hindi makahinga nang walang nakakaalam...

Tumatak sa isip ko ang sinabi nang doctor na kapag lumaki daw ang size nang heart, there's an increase risk of death or decreased quality of life. Pakshet! It really sucks to know that. But I am staying positive. That's why I am following whatever the doctor advises me. My faith is high that I know, God will take care of me.

For some reason, I've been not feeling all the love in the world lately and I only get it from God alone. Lately, I feel that, no one really cares for me. Maybe because everyone sees me as a strong person and no one thinks I need some love. Also, maybe it's the result of my decision to keep it to myself. Hay! I guess, I am needing all the strength that I can get now. Hay...

I'm getting tired. Tired of understanding things in the house and sometimes, I wish someone would just ask me how I am. I'm tired of the people at work who never grows. Who only gives you stress over stress over stress. I'm also tired of friends who looks at you only when they need you. I'm just getting tired. But I still love them. They are the people where my life exists. I'm just wishing that things would change somehow.

As I have said previously, I will not let things just happen. I will make it happen for me. And so I will fight for this. I know that the result will give me a positive outlook in life. I am ready for whatever result it maybe. Of course, I am holding to my faith that it won't totally lead to enlargement of my heart.

I want to be a superhuman after this. Someone stronger. For people who depends on my strength. So I can help more people. So I can be a confidant to many. I wanna give love to those who needs it. Comfort to those who are struggling. I wanna regain my strength. So I can do more. I know I can still do a lot of good things in this world. Even if some people look at me differently. I will still fight for what I know I am destined to do.

I will be back. Someone stronger. To fulfill my mission and destiny...

Readers, wish me all the best. After a point of realization, I am officially telling the world what I am going through. It helps. Someone made me realize that I will need the world to survive. And so, I am doing it. So help me world... So help me God...