Until I Find Him

I bid my goodbye to the guy who has been very special to me. It's part of the plan towards recovering from all of this heart problem. And with so much courage, I faced him and told him what I need to tell. Seeing him again, as always, made me very happy. And being with him again, had made my heart jump like a kid. But I came with an agenda. And that, I completed what I have to complete.

"This will be our last meeting..."

All I got from him is consistent refusal with the idea of ending things between the two of us. We remained friends for the longest time and that's what he plans to continue. However, I told him why I came to meet him, and what has been going on with me recently, especially with my health. I also told him the reasons why we can no longer continue this:

"Everytime I see a guy, I watch a movie with a guy, I have sex with a guy, I listen to some stories of a guy, I travel with a guy, I still long for the same thing I found and I get from you. Your face keeps on appearing to theirs. I still long for someone like you. It is still the things I saw in you that I keep on looking to them.

I have moved on already, don't get me wrong. We've been friends for a long time, and this is the exception to my Do not become a friend of your Ex Rule. However, we are not on the same page when it comes to the effect of it in us. You are happy, and you always treasure this thing we have, and I do the same, except that every time I'm with you, the urge of wanting you again keeps on arising.

We both want to keep this. I would never replace this with anything. But there's something wrong in me everytime I meet up some guys, everytime I go out with them, even having sex with them. I just need to get you out of my system so I can fix this error in me. I should not see you, I should not look for someone like you, and that we need to cut this. If you really want me to be happy, then let me find someone without any trace of you..."

The conversation never stopped and it went going round and round the circles. He keeps on insisting that it should not be that way. But I remained on my hold. I have decided. It is time to refresh my system. He told me he will not stop. He's throwing me some conscience issue but I did not buy it (although I was close to buying it).

I also asked his permission about this guy that is getting my attention lately. I told him that I may travel soon to a place where he and I had been to before, and this is to answer this new guy's invitation. He didn't want me to see this guy and go to his place, but I was able to convince him in the end. And all he asked is for him to meet this guy if things will work out for me. I did not promise. As I can't tell also for now if it will really work.

I also asked him not to inform me if he will find a new guy in his life. And I also said that if ever he plans to get married with a girl, have a family, he should not also inform me. He insisted that if ever that will happen, he would want me in his wedding day. I refused. He then offered me about being a godfather to his child if he will have, I also refused it.


I just want to cut everything, for now. I don't think I can totally cut him in my life. He will forever be part of it. But I plan to re-install everything until I find the next right one. But before we left Chaikofi where we had our sumptuous Al Pesto, he asked me this question, "What's in me that you liked? I am not that handsome, I am not a very rich guy. What's in me that you loved?".


I answered him...

"Everytime I'm with you, I stop thinking. I'm in peace. I feel very relaxed. And most of all, I feel protected when I'm with you. You always make me feel secured in all terms. Your simplicity strucked me the most. It is our differences that made us click. You never tried to be someone. You remained who you are despite of. And those things really made me love you as a person.

I've been living an upscaled life, you don't. English is my second language, yours is not. I enjoy politics, you are a master of law. You have a beautiful body, I don't have. You have a healthy lifestyle, and I just had when I met you. You are simple, I am complicated. I love to argue, you are peaceful and calm.

You also have this tendency to control me which I really really like. I'm a stubborn dominant guy who cannot be easily controlled, but you were able to. It is rare for me to find someone like that. You also love to travel, you like beaches, you enjoy simple fun things in life, you enjoy taking photos of me, I never felt any competition within, you don't like going to bars and having a PLU night life. You love my family.

And most of all, I never enjoyed sex until I found you..."

Of course, we laughed on it but I was sure that he liked what he heard. I was teary eyed already and been controlling tears to fall down. I never thought that would be a tough thing to do. I thought it will just be so easy. But I'm glad I was successful enough. He also gave me an idea of a possible part two of us. But I paused. I know it will be hard to happen again. And I'm afraid to sacrifice what we have right now if we will take it to another level again.

Why am I doing this? To be fair for the next one that I will meet. I have been unfair with a few of those I have met already. Now, I should be fair enough. I know that there is someone who is ready to love and accept me whole-heartedly. That's why I should prepare myself. I have to ensure that if he's ready, I should be ready as well.


I will be forever thankful to you Jay. Thanks for all the great memories. Thanks for keeping me in your heart. No one knows when we will see each other again. For now, we're setting our paths away from each other until I find him. All I wish is a great life for you, which you truly deserve. Loving you forever... TL