69

Okay, it's not what you're thinking...

This post is not about the famous sex position. In 69 days… I will be 28 years old…

I don’t feel becoming 28 yet. Hell! I don’t even feel 27! But the clock is ticking and my heart is pounding twice as fast. My emotions are divided – one feels that my age stopped the day they planned my life for me, the other feels that I will never have the life that I wanted for myself. I have found reason to live with the people around me, and lately I have found another reason to aspire even more.

I couldn’t help but mourn, though, for the part of me that died when faced with the realities of this world. I was 15 when I dreamt for a life of achievements and drive and passion and competitiveness (funny how young minds think in those days). I was 16 when they told me that we cannot afford the life that I have dreamed for myself.

And I was 21 when I let reality bite me. It was the year I gave up and stopped chasing a star that has turned into a black hole. Reality is still biting me. Constantly slapping me in the face and reminding me that I am not getting any younger. That nothing is written in stone. I wish though that reality worked in a different way. That instead of biting you when you least expect it, teach you what to throw away and what to wait for. I am so tired of compromising.

I think I will sing “Happy Birthday” to my self and blow candles on a cake come "B" Day. Wishing before the candles are blown out for a renewed heart – one that has no memory of the disappointments I have for myself so I could start holding my head high again in confidence that I will make it through.

I am so tired of compromising…