My Inbox has my past

Today is the first day of the new year 2009. Last two years ago, same exact day, I remember I was the saddest person alive in my world. An unfortunate way to start that year. It was the day when Pax, or I call him Bebe, my ex, left the country and went to Abu Dhabi to find a work. Since he left, I knew that our relationship will never work anymore. LDR really doesn't work for TL. And I was right, after a few months, our relationship ended.


The other day, when I was checking my emails, I found an old one, my message to him that I unintentionally kept in my inbox. I remember the exact feeling back then. But now, it gave a little smile in my face upon reading it again. I might as well share to you the long email I sent him last February of 2007:

Bebe,

Nalulungkot ako... Hindi ka na nagpaparamdam. Hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyayari sa iyo jan. Hindi ka na tumatawag, nagtetext, o nageemail man lang. Lagi mong sinasabi na marami kang iniisip o wala kang oras, pinilit kong intindihin yun. Iniisip ko din na baka wala kang pantawag o pangtext. Naiintindihan ko yun. Pero yung nakakapagcheck ka nang friendster pero di man lang nakakapagsend nang kamusta o I love you sa akin, hindi ko matanggap.

Siyempre, pinipilit ko pa din intindihin. Wala kasi akong alam. Hindi ko totally alam sitwasyon mo jan kaya iniintindi ko na lang. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nangako ka na we'll keep our communication open when you left kasi we know that it will just be the only way to keep our relationship going. Alam mong hindi ko kaya nang long distance relationship kasi panghahawakan ko talaga kahit ano man ang mangyari. Kaya nga inoffer kong maghiwalay na lang tayo bago ka umalis kasi alam kong mahihirapan ako.

Alam kong mahirap din sa iyo pero sana maintindihan mo na ako yung naiwan dito. Ako yung nakakakita nang mga memories natin dito. Hindi natatangay nang mga nakikita ko sa paligid ang kalungkutan kasi tuwing may pupuntahan ako o may makikita na familiar eh naaalala kita. You may feel the same way too but being in a different place, with different people and culture can take some of your attention and lead to forgetting what you have left back here.

Masakit na nagkahiwalay tayo. Alam ko kailangan. Pero naiwan kasi ako matapos nang isang pagtataksil kaya masakit pa para sa akin ang lahat. Madami pa din gumugulo sa akin at mga tanong na hinahanapan ko nang sagot. Pero dahil mahal kita, kinakalimutan ko lahat. Nilalabanan ko siya mag isa. Mahal kita bebe.

Sana naman maintindihan mo pinanggagalingan ko. Kilala mo ako. Alam mong importante ang mga bagay na ito sa akin. Simple lang kaligayahan ko. Ikaw. Kahit anong simpleng bagay galing sayo, sumasaya ako. Kung may hindi ako naiintindihan, sana sabihin mo sa akin para hindi ako nag-iisip nang kung ano-ano. Tao lang ako, walang idea.

Kung may malaking dahilan naman ang hindi mo pagpaparamdam sa akin, sana magkaroon ka nang courage to tell me. Kung may nahanap ka nang iba, o may nagpapasaya na sa pagstay mo jan, maiintindihan ko bebe. Ganun talaga kung ganun nga. Wala akong magagawa kundi tanggapin. Ang akin lang, ipaalam mo sa akin. Nahihirapan ako dito. Feeling ko naaapektuhan pati trabaho ko. Tatlong buwan na akong bagsak sa trabaho simula nang pag-alis mong yan. I'll have my verbal warning na for this month.

Ewan ko, pinipilit kong labanan, nakikita naman nang mga taong nakakaalam pero kahit anong gawin ko, wala akong makuhang inspirasyon. Wala na kasi akong nakukuhang love from you. Hindi ko na maramdaman. Ang layo-layo mo na sa akin. Walang effort to make me feel that youre just near. Hindi ka na ganun ka excited pag tumatawag ako. Ayokong mag-assume pero.... hay... di ko na alam.

Nagsa-struggle ako sa relasyon natin bebe. Napakahirap. Parang di mo ako kilala. We are in a relationship. We have commitment with each other. I have my own problems too, struggles here, but I manage to still think about you. And no matter what, I still hold on to your promise. But if this promise is no longer available to hold on to, please be fair enough to let me know. That's all i'm asking bebe. Mas matatanggap kong wala na kaysa umaasa pa rin ako and in the end, wala na din pala.

Kung ano man ang mga pinagdadaanan mo jan, sana dalawa tayong nagdadamayan. anupat naging partner mo ako. its been two months, and no matter how hard i try to hide it, and keep me from saying this to you, i guess it's official.... I AM REALLY MISSING YOU....

I love you so much. hope to hear from you soon...

Advance happy monthsary....

Bebe

Haba di ba. Dramatic actor talaga si TL. Punong puno nang drama sa katawan. Hehe. Then, eto yung sagot niya sa akin sa mahabang email na yan:

Bebe.... i'm sorry and you're feeling that way.. me too don't understand myself... sobrang struggle ako dito... pero may mga friends around,,, kung nahihirapan kana just tell me... ako din bebe kasi eh.. medyo mahirap,,, pero i don't mean anything ha... it's 2days from now 20monthsary na natin.... just take care bebe,, you should do good in your work... kasi any moment baka umuwi ako,,, ayoko naman na pareho tayong walang mapatunayan sa buhay diba... mwah....

At yan ang naging mitsa nang paghihiwalay namin. It was all about reading between the lines. Nagets ko na. So I decided to break up with him through email (oo na, I know). After 2 years, I am finally sharing this. This break up occurred right after I arrived from the states. At eto yung sagot niya sa break up email ko:

Bebe bakit nanam ganyan? di mo ba naiintindihan? i don't wanna lose someone like you in my life,,, pero bakit ganyan ang nangyayari.. i'm really really sorry for the things i've done bad.... i'm really sorry po.... i still do love you and whatever your decision maybe you'll remain here in my heart forever... bebe.... i love you... i'm missing you so much.. i would also like to thank you for all the things you've done and for all the things you have sacrifice for me.... thank you,,, thank you.. no words can express how i'm feeling right now... bebe... i'm sorry....

Convincing, pero pag nagdesisyon na kasi si TL, yun na yun. Wala nang bawian. I also remember how my friends reacted on the break up. Even sa family side niya. Hay, it became so sensationalized. Sa kanya lang kasi ako tumagal. At sa kanya lang ako nakipag-live-in. A lot of my friends knows him. Kaya maraming naapektuhan. Nanghinayang. Yung iba, okay sa nangyari.

Not only these emails I found in my inbox, but exchange of messages from good friends Rosha, Jze and Zue Anne when I was still hurt by what happened after a month. Nakakatuwa talagang basahin uli. Hehe.

TL: Tinawagan ko si Pax. Wala lang, casual yung conversation namin. Pero di matagal, di ko kaya. Nagkamustahan lang kami. Nagtatawanan pa nga kami. Parang walang nangyari. Di ko alam kung masaya lang talaga na siya o nagkukunwari lang kami pareho. Hay, bakit ko pa ginawa yun. Tanga tanga ko talaga. I'm so sick. Loser i am. Fuck my life!!!!

JZE: Sabi sa'yo e. Yang mga binabalak mong gawin, di mo rin natitiis, ginagawa mo rin. Hay. Ano ba talaga kuya?

TL: Ewan ko ba. Alam ko nagsasawa na kayo sa akin. Alam ko minsan ang nasa utak ko, pero may mga nagagawa akong di ko man lang inisip. Paconfine na kaya ako sa mental? Hehe. Tanga tanga ko talaga. Malala na talaga ako. Kelan kaya ako gagaling. Sino kaya magpapagaling nito. PUTANG INA!

ZUE ANNE: Pareho lang tayong tanga. Basta if you made a decision, you have to stick by it. Word of honor ang tawag dun.

TL: Haha. I guess all of us sometimes become so stupid about love. I think it's just my super duper moment. Hay. How I wish I can get over with this soon.

ZUE: Yes, we all have to go through this.

ROSHA: You're not stupid. You're just not over him yet. Don't fool yourself. But get use to it. Be numb! Be insensitive! Pag nagsawa ka na, wala nang matitira sa nararamdaman mo. Then, you're completely over him. Okay na yung pinagdadaanan mong pain, kaysa takasan mo at babalik balikan na naman.

TL: Wow! Rosha ikaw ba yan?? O you're just inspired kasi nagsabay sabay naman lahat nang boys mo. Hehe. Remember my line: "Kapag wala, talagang wala, pag meron na, lahat naman sila nakikigulo..." Hehe. Anyways, thanks rosha. i guess i really have to go through this. Magpakatanga at magpakalulon sa kalungkutan kasi pag ikot nang mundo ko, I know I'll be happy din.

ROSHA: You can't do that overnight. Give it some time to heal. Feel the pain. And you'll be surprised one day, wala na siya sa isip mo. It took me 1 year to learn that and get over with my past. And always take note, whatever happens in your life, you only got yourself to depend on. And ask God for help. We're just here to let you forget your problems. But it's still up to you to help yourself. You'll become stronger and wiser as you learn these things. Good luck on your challenge.


My friends were right. Though it took me a year to really forget him, But I'm glad I have moved on. Pax and I remained friends. We chat sometimes, kamustahan. His family is still communicating with me. Mahirap na kasing sirain yung magandang relationship na na-establish. Pinapauwi nga ako lagi sa Pampanga.

He's still in Abu Dhabi, and happy to know that he has now a stable job and experiencing great things in life. That was what I wished for him. No bitterness but wishing all the best for him. And I think he is now in a relationship (again. hehe). But this time, I think he's very happy. He never shares some details about his relationship (madaya nga eh, ako I do), but he always tell me if he found someone.

Nakakatuwang balikan ang nakaraan. Napapangiti ka na lang ngayon. Dati, malungkot ka, ngayon, tinatawanan mo na lang lahat nang ka-eng-engan mo sa pag-ibig. We all experience that. Love is a like a drug that can really make us high and get out of our norms. But one important thing is, we learn from the past and we use it as a guide for our present, even for our future. Once a relationship has ended, they not only become an "Ex", but they become our "Teacher" of our past.

For Pax, or my Bebe for life, Happy New Year to you!!!