Girlfriend

In relation to the entry I posted below, I remember those days where I was still engaged with girls. Bata pa ako noon. Standard preference pa ako: Babae. Pero I think Grade 5 ako unang nag-puppy love. Isa sa mga players nang volleyball team. Her name is Leiza Gongora. I know the last name sounds not so coot, but she was the apple of my eye before. Hehe. Shet! I remember how mahiyain I was before. My gollie, walang pinagkaiba ngayon. Nakakahiya!

Then I had girlfriends. Basta over-all, I had 4, and that includes the mom of my daughter. So in short, I had experience with girls din. That's why I know the difference (if you know what I mean, hehe). But the last girlfriend I had was way 2004 pa. Shet, limang taon na pala ang nakararaan. Hehe. Her name is Charity Lim. Kasama ko siya sa work before sa Libis, QC. She's pretty, petite, charming, friendly and sweet.


This is our story, and my apology entry. Yes, I haven't said sorry to her, and for years that had passed, after that relationship, this is the only time that I would say these things. Although I don't know if she knows my blog, but who knows, someday, she may accidentally finds it. So here it goes...

When I was working on that company, I already know my preference. But that time, I was still not out. Although a few friends knows it (the usual), but I wasn't shouting it to the public. Discreet, in short. Ka-batch ko siya. Friends friends. Tropa tropa. Yeah, she is coot, and I have a crush on her because she's pretty, but of course, I had no plans of pursuing her as I already know my preference at that time.

Until one day, while chatting at work because she's seated afar from me, she told me that she likes me. Ako naman, si na-flatter, natuwa. Pero hindi ko sineryoso. Kasi naman, madaming coot guys that time, bakit naman ako (hindi ako nagse-self pitty ha). Tsaka I didn't know that she was that serious. Akala ko, wala lang. Nasabi lang niya.

Hanggang sa umabot na sa tuksuhan. Kinakantsawan na ako nang ibang guy co-workers and all. But the very few friends who knew about my sexuality was just quiet pero pareho na kami nang iniisip. "If only she knows", mga ganung banat. Although wala akong ginagawa just to be safe, but she was vocal about how she likes me. Awkward kasi parang ang gwapo gwapo ko naman para ganunin nang isang magandang babae.

Hanggang sa dumating sa point na sabay na kami kumakain, may ilang factor na, may sundo-hatid sa station, sabay umuwi, naihatid sa house nila, isinasakay sa taxi, etc. Basta, ang straight-straight ko that time pag kasama ko siya. Actually naisip ko pa ngang baka bumabalik na ako sa original preference ko kaya I went with the flow. Not knowing that what I was doing could give meaning to her, hindi ko na namalayan yun.

Come June 16, my birthday party at my house, she became the talk of the event. Everyone was asking who she was in my life. Friends. Relatives. Medyo sweet kasi kami that night, may mga touchy touchy moments. Sweet kasi talaga si Cha, as how I call her. And then she stayed the whole night. Sa house na siya natulog. Wala naman nangyari sa amin, for the record, baka sabihin nagke-claim ako. Basta sweet moments lang. Parang highschool love. Ganun.

I was liking the feeling. There's a part in me that I want to continue what was going with us. Although we haven't talked about it, we just assumed like kami na (i told you, this is how i deal with it). But I realized that it's wrong. In reality, parang niloloko ko lang siya. Although I was honest to what I feel for her, but I wasn't sure at that time if she is what I really want. If I am ready to go back as a straight guy, for her.

Yan ang mga concerns ko that time. And things like, what if I met a guy, and she founds out, how will I explain it to her. Siyempre, ang lalabas, niloloko ko siya o ginagamit, which is hindi. Because of these fears, it triggered me na maging cold sa kanya. Hindi ko na sinasabayan kumain, bihirang pansinin at kausapin para mabilis na lang ang lahat. Basta, I suddenly ignored her. Walang explanation. And yes, I know, I am bad. So ungentleman and very bad.

I myself felt so bad about it. But I was just trying not to hurt her kaya sinaktan ko na lang siya nang one time big time, kaysa pag pinatagal pa, baka mas lalo lang maging masakit sa aming dalawa. Honestly, I fell in love with her. But because of various fears that clouded my mind at that time, I got coward and left the battle without notice. And with that, nagalit siya sa akin. I cannot blame her.

Hanggang sa nagka-boyfriend na siya sa office. Madalas silang sweet sa harapan ko. Alam ko kung anong gusto niyang palabasin but I wasn't affected. Maybe because I just did the right thing for me and for her, which of course, hindi niya alam totally why. But because of that, she found her true happiness through that guy that up to now, sila pa din. If I'm not mistaken, I think they're married already.

I still have the guilt feeling up to now. If only I had the strength to talk to her at that time, but I didn't find any. Cha, I'm sorry for what I did. I know, for the happiness that you have in your life right now, I know it would be easy for you to forgive me. I just want you to know that everything was real. But I wasn't just the MAN enough for you. May you have all the best in life as I have always wished for.

Sorry and Thank You...