Spark is Down

Is it under maintenance? Or is it lost? If it is, is it gonna be forever? Or just for temporary? How long will it take for it to return? Will it take a long time to come back? Or will it never be?

Something is really wrong with me. For two months now, I have seen a few selected people whom I found some possibilities of a romantic intuition. A few means it has been filtered according to my likes and what would really get my unique and different attention. They are the ones I consider what I "like" and has all the characteristics of what I am looking for. I'm just doing the right match-making thing for myself.

But here's the part that I hate. After all the good conversations, constant communication, tender cares, and all the compatibility essence, when it's time for us to meet, something is just missing to complete the perfect picture. I still get goosebumps whenever I meet someone for a date. It's exciting but at the same time, nerve-wracking. That's how the game is designed. I still go for it. And the forces of nature are just so nice to me that things go the way it should be.

But how come when all things are perfect in terms of looks, built & height, profession, gestures, attitude, fashion, personality, then the SPARK is what's not present. What the hell!!! Okay.. Okay.. TL is a believer of Spark. Everyone may have their opinion about this but I just believe on it. It's been tried and tested on me. That no matter how perfect the guy is in front of me, if there's no spark, I lose the interest of pursuing him.

That's another crazy part of me. Stupid as how my friends call it. I cannot even explain it to myself. No matter how I force to like the guy, this crazy me can't just do it. Why when the guy looks perfect for it, then that's the time this spark is absent. Why when the guy is complicated, that's where I get electrified. Damn it! This ain't just right!!!

I am beaten by the guilt inside my heart after not responding to them after the meet-up slash first date. I am scared. I have no idea what to say. I am clueless. Lost of words. I know that I am very polite with people, but this has become an exception to that. If this blog can tell them how sorry I am, it will make me feel better. But I know it's not and it won't.

I am sad. I don't like hanging people by the moment. But it happens. Naturally. Is it a choice? I guess so. What can I do? I am taking any consequences if that's what it has to be. I know I am not a bad person, but this one is making me one. And I'm hating it. This just validates how coward I am. And I'm ready to accept that fact. I am sorry! Please, forgive me...

Until when is this gonna occur? If it's still down, may I request to temporarily shut down also my heart? So it won't feel anything. And it will prevent from hurting other people's feelings. And avoid feeling bad about myself. But honestly, I miss the spark. I miss feeling that blissful moment. Until when? Until when will I wait? I am gonna wait for you. Please come back... Please... Save me from this ocean of guilt...