A very inspiring reader

Today, one email that I received strucked me the most. It was a very humble feedback for my blogsite, and a story shared that came from his heart. I was truly in awe while reading it, mixed with some laughter and cute smile (yes, ako ang nagconsider na cute yung naging smile ko, wala nang pakialamanan). Hope you feel the same way that I felt after reading it.

My response to you Wildion will be on the next entry. Ita-try kong tapatan ang haba nang yung email. Di ako papayag. Kailangan magka-level tayo o hihigitan kita. Haha. Just kidding. But again, THANKS!!!

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Dear TL,

I don’t know where to start. As of this writing, I have already finished reading your entire blog, and am crazily listening to Mariah’s Open Arms (I am so inspired with what transpired between you and Jay last Valentine’s day). It is on repeat mode so… seems like I have listened to this song for nearly forty-five minutes already… My, my!!!!! I just love to hear your feelings through this song… They are so heartwarming, so true… tinged with sorrow yet filled with fortitude…

By the way, it is bad to start things off without introducing one’s self. Please call me wildion, four years your junior and have found out about your blog through an email from a yahoo group.

You know, I hope you will take time to read this letter of mine… I don’t have a blog so I can’t leave comments on yours. I just decided to send you an email, which I find so intrusive actually… Anyway, since you seem to be a very good and cool person, I took the liberty to write you.

I wrote to you not because there is something hidden underneath. This letter is not a façade to something profane. I just would like to express my profound appreciation for your creativity and willpower to expose things about your life before the eyes of the multitude. Simply, you encourage me.

Okay, okay… seems like I don’t know how to proceed so I better start from the beginning….

Yesterday, February 18, I was checking my emails and deleting some spams and checking for important ones. This email ad is for my yahoo groups so I expect plenty of individual emails. I just chanced on seeing the subject “Check out his craziness”. I didn’t know why I had such a strong urge in me to check that mail out.

And lo! I stumbled upon the brightest, most inspiring, heart-pounding (adjectives just can’t fully describe the way I feel regarding your blog) blog site I have ever visited – your blog. I have visited plenty of blogs out there but most are about the fleeting pleasures of the flesh, nothing so true and intellectual… nothing like yours.

I have read your entire blog from the start, not minding the piles of tasks I had to finish for the day. Actually I did nothing but read your blog yesterday until today. I don’t know why, but your write-ups seem so addicting that I could afford to put my job aside and spend time reading it. It is your mischievous daily adventures and witty articles that really caught me.

Maybe because I find your life amusing and light and mine repressed and alone. Your life is my dream life yet I have these strong convictions which really hinder me from being who I am. I am not like you, which I really envy. Unlike you, I am a little effeminate, but when situations call, I could act, well, decent enough to at least raise the curiosity of others. Unlike you, I have not been into a relationship, which I have mentioned earlier, nor have I engaged in anything sexual.

I do not know about you (seems like you are a smart guy) but I graduated magna cum laude and landed on a good job opportunity as a nursing Quality Assurance officer, which really raised the brows of my seniors. Something in common between us is the gift of being a leader… I felt this unique feeling every time I read how you deal with people around you… and of course Zsa Zsa, your neighbor’s kasambahay. You were incredibly right to have done such a splendid suggestion technique when she had those hallucinations. Kudos for your very professional and brave gesture.

Well, back to you. You are like the epitome of my ideal self… I mean, I want to act like a man, even if my orientation will forever be gay, at least to attract a good-looking guy. That is why I really envy you. I have seen the pix of your ex-es and envy your ability to attract those really uberly gorgeous guys… of course I don’t mean you aren’t. haha… sorry for pouring everything to you…

I don’t know but it seems like you could be a very good kuya to me. I am just confused about how I dealt with my life. Some consider my life a bliss because of my capabilities and the speed of jobs offered to me. I was happy because I am finally able to drown myself in my indulgences, but amidst these opportunities that abound me, I still feel so hollow inside, like my happiness is nothing but a vessel on display, so gaudy yet empty.

According to Erikson, a famous psychologist, my age belongs to a group that struggles between these two developmental tasks: intimacy vs. isolation. I don’t know but no matter how others regard my life as blessed and fulfilled, I could not find any reason to believe so. Maybe because I have something missing… maybe this something could be someone… haha… my life is so poignant, unlike yours. That is why I get so attached to your escapades. You are the exact embodiment and projection of how I want to be. The being who is so blessed with the real goodness of life (Btw, I just love your mom for being so supportive. How I wish mine could be one too. Seems like that won’t happen. I live in a very strong Christian family).

Yet, somehow, I could not really envy you. I could do the things you do, but I am just so afraid to do so, a part of the reason is my strong moral conviction and another could be the irrational fear that nobody will like me. Alright, may the latter can be easily modified, but what really represses me so badly is my moral conviction. I vowed since the time I admitted I am like this (I actually don’t have the likeness of being called gay), influenced by my strict upbringing, not to engage in a man-to-man relationship. I even tried (psychologically) to be a straight man, but all of my efforts failed me. I am just like this. Nothing more or less. You can call me a pathetic end-product of my own bullying.

Plenty of my friends have actually asked me about what I will do when I meet this guy, whom I really love, and who really loves me.. I just answer my predictable, “No, I will not engage in a relationship like that. I better stay single and live life alone. Anyways, there are still others to care for me.” I don’t go out for the fear that I will meet this guy and will fail my moral obligations.

Anyways, so much with the drama…. I hope to hear from you and become your friend…. I hope you will find your eternal happiness… I hope you can inspire more people with your “so-you” personality… I hope you continue to touch those who deliberately wound themselves by denying themselves so much of the good things life to offer (people like me) for you are one extraordinary person, who is never afraid to love, fail and love again. You have this optimistic way of dealing with things which, for others, could be very demoralizing. May your oozing confidence and spirit spread to those who lack it. May your life, once again, be warm (not alone) and abundant.

This is just what I could offer you. Simple wishes granting you love and peace.

Have a nice day ahead of you….

Wildion

PS.

It depends on you whether you’re going to post this in your blog. Well, that is if you find this letter, at the very least, worthy of your precious time.