To be continued...I thought they would ditch me. I am very thankful that they never said anything bad about me. They already sensed it and made a guess that I was actually jealous. After that, I slowly learned to accept the fact that I am not for Roland; that he was for Cathy because he is a man, and that only she was fit for him, not me. Slowly, after I shared my pain to all my girl-friends, the burden in my heart dissipated just like a nail pulled out one at a time.
I finally felt freedom. Release. I finally found myself. That experience forever changed me. That experience made me realize that no matter how my brain tells me I am normal, my heart will forever follow its own path, and denying it will hurt me more. This actually contributed much to why I have developed this kind of “sacrificing” attitude.
Roland and Cathy lasted for four (4) years until 2007. They separated without any apparent reason, but I could still feel that they love each other. All I could do was just pray for them to be back together.
Another funny thing is that, the same thing happened to me when I was in second year college. I fell for a guy whom I bridged to a friend. Everything that happened to Roland and Cathy just repeated with them. My friend answered TJ with a “yes” on November 14, 2004 and they are still going strong up to these days. Nasabi ko sa self ko, I have magic…
I am a very good matchmaker… the problem is, the match is only good whenever I fall for the guy and had made sure that he had all the qualities I was looking for in a man. I became hooked to the idea that I could only derive love from a man if I become his bridge to the woman he loves. That’s why I really call myself pathetic. Sometimes I hate to think that I am but, it the truth really makes me one.
Now, everytime I reminisce those times, I would just give a bitter smile. I had had many terrible mistakes and wonderful opportunities but these could never outmatch the experiences I learned from these two matchmaking affairs I did. These memories make a great part of who I am today.
I have come to admit that with my sorrow comes the happiness of others. I know you will surely contradict to this, but I have finally integrated this belief in my being. I am doomed to be a bridge which will always be broken in the end. This, I have accepted with a happy heart.
Have you heard of the term “altruistic surrender”? When I studied psychiatry, I learned about this defense mechanism. This is a defense mechanism whereby a person attempts to fulfill his/her needs vicariously through other people. I do believe that my subconscious has slowly evolved to make this my primary defense mechanism with regards to emotions in order to protect my psychological integrity from breaking apart and keep me away from insanity.
I guess this strong defense mechanism caused my entire being to be wary of relationships. I want to go out, as what you advised me, to meet people, but I am just afraid to do so.
What really keeps me from going out is not because I don’t like the nightlife. I like it. I want to experience it. But I just can’t imagine what I will do when, for example, I will meet this cute guy whom I am interested with and who’s also interested in me. I really hate unpredictable things. I want to know how I will react. I want to know exactly what will happen. As long as I have not reconciled with this fear of the unknown, I believe that I will stay in the shadows, clandestinely envying others for their warm relationship made.
As what I’ve told you, in my age, my primary task to perform is to develop Intimacy with another person. If I will not be able to perform it, I will end up in Isolation, and I cannot progress productively into the next stage in life. That kinda worries me a lot. But I know everything will end up good.
You are so cool and in control of your life. That is why I envy you. You have mustered enough courage to break free from society’s terrible grasp and made yourself one important part of it. You have successfully vanquished the fear of being ostracized, because you primarily live on the tenets of respect and have made yourself worthy of other people’s respect, and you have triumphed over the bitterness of life.
You have seen life in a land so barren, sowed seeds of joy and reaped a bountiful harvest of happiness. You have become a strong person who touched and mattered to many people’s lives. But most of all, you have become who you really are, and have made yourself a worthy example for many.
I couldn’t wait for another opportune time to tell you this. You have rekindled in me my long-lost passion and skills for writing. I have noticed that when I studied Nursing, I lost all my poetic expressions. I became so concrete. I couldn’t write the way I wrote when I was in high school.. But now, I finally found the motivation to write in your articles. They have managed to break down the walls that have trapped my artistry and once again propelled me to compose melodic proses.
However, a good writer knows the limits of his skills.. I believe this is my limit. I have to admit, you are an excellent feature writer, far better than I am. You know, you could fare well in a lifestyle section of a newspaper. You have this unique quality that is innate and never taught. You have the “touch”, the “intellectual humor”.
You manage to inject yourself in everything you write, and that defines a good writer – someone who could bring others into their own worlds and make them believe they are living it themselves. And I tell you, that trait is seldom found in anybody. It is a rare gift that should be cherished. And because of this, I will constantly look for the most opportune moment to include your ideals and your life as a source of wisdom and learning in my lectures or speaking engagements.
I really appreciate your sincerity and concern especially when you said “So what I am saying is, is that, it could not be conviction, but it could be a moral standard. It's up to you. I mean I am not encouraging you, but believe me, I have tried thinking ‘I am not one of them’ before, but I was unsuccessful. So I plunged in. I lived my life. But I defined the life I wanted to live. I kept on proving to people that there is no such thing as standards in life. Everything varies and changes. Each day is a surprise. No one can really set a standard…. What I'm wishing for you is that you learn how to bring ‘life’ in your life.”
This still keeps me thinking. Maybe I will only be able to put “life” into my life if the time will come when I will be able to see the reason and my purpose that I have been looking for. I am so indebted to your sincere words of wisdom. I tell you, I have learned so much from your views. Knowing that you are also a faithful believer really warms my heart. At least I am not the last to have been given this test. And I am profoundly grateful for your encouraging words. They were really very insightful.
Do you know that letting others verbalize their feelings and actively listening are the most effective therapeutic communication techniques we nurses use? Thanks for using that with me. You indeed are one great friend, kuya.
And oh, about the ice cream… I believe you have just finished your entire contract with your dedicated trainer, Manny. Haha… requirement pala yon… I love that too, kaso medyo “Ramadan” muna ako diyan kasi ang dami kong lectures these days. Masyado na ngang ngarag ang boses ko sa dami ng speaking engagements at lectures ko.
Pero I know one time soon, the time for us to finally meet in person will come. Medyo malayo kasi ako sa Luzon eh. Visayas me. Hay, sana di kita na bored sa mahaba kong sulat. (sorry poh, kuya). Libre nalang kita ng ilang gallon ng favorite ice cream mo next time. Hehe.
Hay, regarding Juztine… I think he deserves it. He’s such one obstinate guy, ha. But I agree with what you texted him. At least that would make him realize how ironic and what a liar he is.
And oh, by the way, I showed some pictures of your ex-es to my class yesterday (kasi aside from my supervisory role sa hospital, nagtuturo din ako sa isang nursing school at nag-lelecture sa isang review center). I hope it’s okay with you. Sana di ka magalit sa akin.
I had this lecture kasi about developmental theories, and we had this topic about “chum” relationships – a stage in life according to Sullivan when preadolescents develop a “platonic” relationship with another member of the same sex. This is considered normal because it’s part of growing; however, some never outgrow this.
Sabi ko, there are plenty of guys out there na mukhang lalake, may girlfriend pero may boyfriend din. Ang daming nagreact. Haha. Kaya pinakita ko yung pictures ng mga gorgeous ex-es mo but not their names. It was fleeting naman kaya di naman dangerous na baka maregister sa mind nila yung mga mukha nila.
Mukhang madaming votes si Kenjie… boyish charm daw, tsaka singer… iba talaga ang dating ng marunong kumanta… That means, kahit di na uso ang harana, songs still melt hearts… hay, and you sing too…. You two might have had such sweet moments together (daydreams…) Hehe… and knowing that he is still sweet with you makes me envy you more. You’re such one incredible person.
O siya, siya… I think, it’s time to make you rest… See you in your next entry na lang…
Take care!!!!
Wildion
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