Wildion Part II

Continuation...


I can see from your writing the level of your brain. You must be really a smart guy. You can use that as one of your assets. There are guys who prefer brains than looks. Look at me, I'm not gwapo, but I know I'm smart. Not the genius type, but the madiskarte-type of guy. That's all what a man needs to survive in this world. Remember, real love knows no face. It can only see what the heart looks like (madugo, maugat, yuckie). Hehe.

So tama pala yung ginawa ko kay Zsazsa. Galing! At least may validation from someone who is expert in taking care of people. Hehe. I just followed my instinct at that time. And yeah, I love leading people. I guess I was born to lead. You can see from the traces of the past that my life is full of leadership experiences. And have seen people being influenced by my spirit. And I'm proud of it.

But of course, I hate the "Boss" type-of-thing. At work, I prefer to be called by my name than boss. I don't like the hierarchical concept of business. For me, pantay pantay lang. Nagkataon lang na may iba-ibang task ang mga tao. Mas masaya pag walang level. Mas kapa mo ang sahig. Walang nakalutang. Mas abot mo ang mga tao mo.

Being an epitome of yourself is I think too much. Hehe. May denial stage pa ako sa concept na yun. Again, I'm not perfect. But geez, thanks for considering me. My ex-es? Ngerks. They are not all gorgeous. They are just all photogenics. Haha. May denial part din ako doon. Hehe. Being your kuya? Asus! My pleasure. Pero malupet akong kuya. Dapat lagi akong nililibre nang ice cream, Requirement yun!!! Hehe.

Please stop feeling so hollow inside. You are so blessed with so many gifts and talents. Use them to bring so much life in to you. Don't focus on your weaknesses. Overcome those. Concentrate on your strengths. Believe in yourself. You should be thankful for reaching the stage where you are right now. Not all people can have what you have, and can be wherever you are right now. It's how you deal with it. And again, it's how you control things.

When the point came where I have to confess to mamiko of who I really am, it was a breakthrough moment. Para akong nanalo nang Oscars. I may not have gotten what I have expected, but at least, there's nothing to hide anymore to someone who is very special to you. She wasn't that supportive. But because I have gained respect from her, from my achievements, from my lifestyle, she has learned from day to day that it's not so bad accepting me for who I am.

Talking about moral convictions? I am a strong, active christian too at our church. I was leading young people, musicians, singers, dancers, kids, adults, going to different mission sites in the country, leading conferences, camps and workshops, seminars. I've done a lot of church service. I was even being eyed to be a young pastor. I was so good to what I was doing before. But one day, real things kicked in to my life. Unplanned. Unnoticed.

I was not even prepared. It just came in. My values and morals are getting in my way. I got so confused. But I paused. I then realized that being gay would be a big hindrance to continue what I was doing, as I was still interested to continue those. I felt that I can still do it, and there's nothing in my mind to do some gay stuff at church, it's just that I knew that I was gay. But I sacrificed it. It was tough.

I was afraid that I can be a living contradiction to the teachings of the bible. I cared for the people I have been leading. I don't want them to get confused also. So I left. But what remained in me is my strong faith. That I may no longer do some service in the church (just because of the church standards), but I will always believe in Him, and will continue praying. I kept doing good things but I chose a life that gave me real freedom.

So what I am saying is, is that, it could not be conviction, but it could be a moral standard. It's up to you. I mean I am not encouraging you, but believe me, I have tried thinking "I am not one of them" before, but I was unsuccessful. So I plunged in. I lived my life. But I defined the life I wanted to live. I kept on proving to people that there is no such thing as standards in life. Everything varies and changes. Each day is a surprise. No one can really set a standard.

At our house, I am still a son, a brother, a cousin. I think I only become gay when I bring my partner before. That is the only time I feel I am treated as gay. But other instances aside from that, wala na. That's how I have established myself at home. It is really possible. As what I always say, it's how you control it.

I've given so many thoughts from your long email. I appreciate you wishing me eternal happiness. That's nice. What I'm wishing for you is that you learn how to bring "life" in your life. Pupusta akong you can be happier from how happy you are right now. All you need is to put some changes in your life, and stop letting other things control you. It's time to start living the life you want. May it be as crazy as mine, or your own version of whatever it may be.

And yes, I am extra-ordinary. I am unique. I am special. I always tell that to myself. But guess what... You are also on your own ways...


Jerjerly yours,
TL