Goodness, TL!!!! Akala ko tatapatan mo yung haba ng sulat ko… Mine was like 500 meters, sa’yo para yatang isang kilometro! Kaya heto, hihigitan ko yung reply mo (ano to, pahabaan ng sulat?). Hehe…
Anyways, it seems like you really have made an addict out of me… I am like “kelangan kong mag-internet para macheck ko yung updates ni TL (just imagine, I am using my Cellphone as modem kaya medyo mahal) everyday"… Actually, kung hindi ko nga lang alam na may specific time ka kung mag-update ng blog mo, eh, from time to time, bibisita ako.
I don’t know… para yatang may kakaibang dating itong mga sinusulat mo. Seems like every time I visit, I am expecting a different kind of treat – something I have not had before. It seems like, everyday is a different adventure; there is no scent of monotony present sa mga sinusulat mo. Every entry is like a “specialty of the day” for me.
So please, don’t ever wonder about me knowing my letter was published in your site. I am like before it “every minute.”
Regarding the comments of the yahoo groups. Well, I do believe na super liked ng nagsend out ng site ng blog mo because as far as I could remember, the sender was recommending everyone to visit your site because it’s fun and really makes up a day.
TL, kung tiyaga lang ang pag-usapan, I think, marami ako niyan. And you’re very welcome… One thing I could really be telling you for sure is that I will always be an everyday reader of your blog kahit na CP ko pa ang gagamitin ko araw-araw. Work can wait. I make my own schedule. I am the boss in my place… Hehe…
You know, I am really amazed by your strength. I have read your previous entries about how you managed your time – with all the work and travel and responsibilities and your time to go bloggin’. You’re such a good manager (something which I have to improve on).
Now, everything seems to fall into place. Similarities are slowly coming up. You lead 21 people; I supervise an entire Nursing Service Department. By the way, I am a registered nurse so if you have problems concerning health issues, please feel free to communicate with me. I might be able to help. (feeling know-it-all).
When I read your views regarding the heart and mind in harmony, I chuckled a little. Why can’t I think that way? I am always like, the brain should be followed most the time.
Let me tell you my crazy story. This one is really a very good example of how I separated my mind from my emotions..
When I was in my last year in high school, I had this group of friends with whom I spent almost my entire time. We were such a happy bunch of carefree individuals. There came a time when one time, I heard news about one of our classmate’s secret crush on one of our kabarkada.
Let’s call this classmate of mine, Roland. He’s cute. Taller than me during that time, but now – well, he’s still taller. Hehe… and I tell you, he’s so makinis I envied his skin. Lahing Kastila kasi so there was no debating on that matter. His legs were actually far slender and smoother than most of our classmates’. The only one he could not beat in pakinisan was this girl he liked Actually, I had my eyes on him ever since third year, but that I didn’t realize until the time I came to terms with my feelings, which I will share later. Writing it now would spoil the continuity of the story.
Since I had this “undiscovered” liking of him, I teased him to this barkada of mine. Let’s call her Cathy. She is really a beauty. She’s a sweet girl. Yung tipong pinag-aagawan talaga ng mga lalake. Bad thing was, man-hater siya since iniwan sila ng mommy niya ng kanyang tatay (who happened to be a military man). Ang dami nang mga cute guys na gustong manligaw sa kanya pero talagang mabangis siya pagdating sa mga lalaking may gusto sa kanya.
I didn’t know kung bakit parang ako yata yung may gusto sa kanya dahil yung talagang umuna sa pagsabi sa kanya na may nagkakagusto sa kanya was no one but me. Basta, that time I just felt I wanted to help Roland make her say “yes”.
In short, ako yung unang nagtext kay Cathy na dapat na niyang pansinin si Roland dahil maliban sa guwapo ay mabait naman ito. Cathy belonged to the top 10 in our graduating class. (Siyempre, yung top 1 was none other than your “repressed” younger brother here. Hehe.. ) Roland was trailing behind all of us.
Ako naman, was like a fool sa kakatext kay Roland na magtext na kay Cathy. Ako yung mas excited sa mga nangyayari. Hindi sila. Pero talagang matigas si Cathy. Lalo pa nga siyang bumangis lalo na kay Roland. Akalain mong palagi niya itong binubulyawan kung aakmang sasama ito sa’min. Ako naman ay yung self-appointed spokesperson ni Roland. Tagapayo at strategist na rin.
Kasi natakot yung guy sa friend kong ito, muntik nang magsurrender. I then came to the point of endangering my friendship with Cathy. I even threatened her to renounce her as a friend if she wouldn’t be nice to Roland. Kawawa naman itong friend ko. Umiyak talaga nang todo-todo para lang mapatawad ko. Kaya yon, medyo nag-mellow siya. Unknown to me, they were secretly texting each other every night.
Alam mo, TL, when I knew what was happening, I felt betrayed. I didn’t know why I felt that way, but I had this thinking that, as their bridge, they should have at least let me know. But that odd feeling just faded away when they allowed me access to their phones. There came a time when I would secretly open Cathy’s phone and probe in her Inbox for Roland’s message. I would send those messages to my cell.
Buti lang that time ang dami pang free text. Hindi nalugi si Cathy sa mga ginawa ko. Ako naman, parang uto-uto na kokopyahin bawat text ni Roland kay Cathy at yun namang text niya kay Roland. Lahat ng text nila sa akin at ganun na rin yung mga text ko sa kanila ay kinopya ko na rin. Until now, that notebook is still safe with me. Parang nandoon ‘yong buong lovestory nila sa loob ng notebook na yon.
Siguro ang sama-sama ko during that time. Marapatin mo, TL, ako pa yung nagtalaga ng tentative date kung kelan sasagutin ni Cathy si Roland. Ako naman, at night palaging nag-dedevotional para lang maging sila. That was the time na talagang naging mapagdasal at matino ako. Feeling ko kasi, kung mag-sacrifice ako, papakinggan ni Lord yung prayers ko na maging sila. Kaya ng dumating ang araw na napanaginipan kong sasagutin raw ni Cathy si Roland sa petsang 24, agad na akong nagtext kay Cathy na yung best time to answer Roland was 24.
I was so disappointed when on the 24th, hindi niya sinagot si Roland. Siyempre, text ako nang text kay Roland kung talaga bang tinanong niya si Cathy kung kelan siya nito sasagutin. Kawawa naman itong guwapong mokong ito, panay ang explain sa akin na talagang sinunod niya lahat ng suggestions ko. (By the way, TL, habang nililigawan ni Roland si Cathy, nagkaroon ito ng motivation na mag-aral. Akalain mo, tumaas yung standing niya sa school).
The next day, mga 5:00 in the morning ng February 25,2003 (EDSA ha) nagising ako ng isang text ni Cathy na sila na raw ni Roland (12 AM ng 25). Parang ako yung sinagot ng mabasa ko yon. Talagang nag-rejoice ako nang todo. Nagtaka pa nga yong mother ko kung bakit ang aga-aga ay napa “yes” ako nang malakas. Pagdating ko nang school (ako yung palaging first sa room), announce to the max ako sa mga kabarkada.
I didn’t know that would be the beginning of my first heartache. A day passed. I told them to go together at school so that makita ng madla na sila na nga. Pero ayaw nila so I got angry with them until it reached the time I called them ingrates because they never thanked me after all of my efforts for them. Poor Roland and Cathy. They immediately rushed to me and apologized for being so selfish. But then, I could not get over my anger. There seemed like an inexhaustible stream of hate that came inside me.
February 27, the night before our Recollection Day, I talked to Him and asked kung ano yung mali sa akin. Bakit ang lungkot ko na dapat ay masaya ako para sa dalawa kong friends? It took me such a long time to admit to myself that I was, in fact, devoured by jealousy. At first I insisted that my anger is caused by their ingratitude. Denial pa kasi akong nagseselos ako. That time, TL, I had not admitted that I was like “this”. I held on to the possibility na everything would change. You know, because of my religious upbringing.
It took me every ounce of courage I had within me to finally accept the fact that in reality, I was not angry because they did not thank me but because I was damn stupidly and undeniably jealous kay Cathy kasi finally she had Roland, the guy whom I learned to love along the way. Naramdaman ko yong overwhelming na feeling na namuo sa gut ko na unti-unting kumalat sa dibdib ko at parang kina-crush yung puso ko.
Masakit. Super painful talaga. It was the most painful emotion I had ever felt. It felt like life was slowly taken from me. I couldn’t help it but I just sobbed (yung talagang hagulgol). I tried to suppress it kasi baka marinig ng parents ko. Malapit lang kasi room nila sa room ko. But the tears were stubborn, relentless in their quest of pouring out of my eyes. They were burning. They added to the pain. I felt so empty and lifeless. I almost cried the whole night while lying in my bed. All my insecurities and self-pity rushed into me, adding more to my sorrow.
The next day, I acted happy and okay. I planned on telling them my final message because I planned to finally leave them be. Eto na. Recollection day na.
You know, TL, (by the way, parang Dear Heart na ito ha…) during supper, I had the most horrible experience of my life. When I saw Roland lovingly tend to Cathy’s needs – yung pagkuha niya ng food para dito; yung super asikaso effect – gumuho na ang mundo ko. Bumalik yung sakit na naramdaman ko the night before.
Kinaya kong hindi umiyak kasi baka magtaka ang lahat ba’t ako iiyak na ang saya-saya ng okasyon. Pinilit kong hindi tumingin pero, TL, talagang hindi ko magawang tumingin pa sa iba. Tiningnan ko talaga lahat ng mga ginawa nila and at the same time bearing the heavy weight in my chest.
I smiled to my friends every time may joke pero alam kong na-notice ng mga bestfriends ko na may something wrong sa akin. Lahat na yata ng lakas ko ay ginugol ko na sa pagpigil ng mga luha ko. It was the longest evening for me. Finally, nang hindi ko na kayang magpanggap, nilisan ko ang grupo at umupo mag-isa sa labas ng pinto ng room namin at nagsulat sa aking diary.
All the scribbles I wrote were still there. It became the evidence of my greatest struggle yet. Wala dito ngayon yung diary ko kaya hindi ko maisulat yung exact words pero natatandaan ko pa yung last words don “I am a man. Lord, please help me become normal. Please free me from this bondage..”
I wanted to pull them apart that time. I wanted to inflict the same pain I felt to Cathy. I envied her. She was the happiest person during that time. Finally, she had someone to take care of her. My heart wanted them suffering like I did. But my mind was really imploring to my better judgment to allow them to be happy. I reasoned out, “I built a house with all my strength and then I will just be the one to bring it down.”
That time, I just silently cried my heartbreak. The coming week was a nightmare for me. I did plenty of firsts during this week. Everyday for a week, I came in late in physics class and sat at the back, something I have never done since first year. Good thing was that tapos na ang fourth grading period at nasolve na yung mga grades naming. If not, siguro I could not have graduated valedictorian..
I would also go home earlier than my barkada. I just couldn’t bear to see Roland and Cathy together. Upon arriving home, I did not stay in my room because I couldn’t cry freely there. I would go out of the house into the tall trees just in our backyard and cry all my pain there. The trees bore witness to my pain and suffering. When I would feel that I had no more tears to shed and it was dark already, I would go inside the house without even eating anything.
That persisted until the time I took that very hard move to tell my closest girl-friends about my feelings for Roland...
To be continued...
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