508th Post

It's my 508th post here in my blogsite. Today, I fell asleep in the middle of the night, in front of my laptop, after trying not to sleep yet. At 4:00am, I heard some noise on our rooftop and was knocked by mamiko as Thokie got escaped from his cage. Then I can't sleep anymore.

I got a text from a dear friend who was hurting as her relationship with her boyfriend just ended. Then, I was lying in my bed, thinking about so many things, my life, my friends...

There are some facts about life that are really hard to accept, most especially if it's a loss of somebody or something that is really very endear to us. With this, we tend to make ourselves believe that they're still there. Letting go has always been the hardest part most especially if you still have lots of dreams with that person that you wish to fulfill together. Or if that perhaps is already your dream.

And then, at a blink of any eye, he's just gone. And never to come back again...

Death is just one factor. It's the worst one, actually. Sometimes, people just come and go. You meet someone, you become close with him, and then after a while, he leaves you hanging by the moment. Without any word from him whatsoever. No proper "goodbyes" or "farewells." He just simply walks away. Or he just simply slips away from you.

We just always live in denial. We're not that much prepared of what could happen next. It's really quite hard if you already have expectations set and then all of a sudden, something happens and it just shatters all your dreams and expectations one at a time. Sometimes with just one blow. And then everything is just gone.

But what should remain is our own self. We should not lose our self. Otherwise, we'll get lost in an abyss and never to find our way out again. Even if we do, it may take some time. It's not about how hard you fall or how heavy your load is. It's more of how you stand from that fall and how you carry your load. Allow someone to help you. Allow yourself to help you. Give yourself a chance and move on.

Well, that's what I have done. You see, living a gay life is not so "gay" at all. It's really freakin' hard. Swear. I don't wanna say that I didn't choose this life or that I didn't choose to be gay. Life's just really all about choices. You can't say that you don't have a choice. It's just always black or white. Yes or no. Accept or reject. And I chose to accept this life. I chose this life. And I'm responsible for it. And I'm prepared for the consequences whatever they are.

I lived a life filled with denials before. And maybe until now. But I just don't allow myself to stay that way. Life still has a lot to offer. Despite those so much heartbreaking moments and painful situations that I've been through, despite all those mistakes that I've committed, the laughters that I've laughed, the tears that I've cried, I'm still here. Standing. And moving on.

I don't care about what other people may tell me or think of me. It's not their standards that make me as me. It's my own standards and principles that shape the real me. And it's on how I stand by those standards and principles that somehow builds me to become a better person. Having said all these things...

There's nothing special. Just some things I want to write. Today, it's just my 508th post...