I Hope You Understand

Lil L,

I am not sure if you are reading my blog. But I hope you get a chance so you can read this. This is the only venue where I can tell honestly what I have to say to you. So here it goes...

It's a struggle on my part not to respond to your text messages. It's not that I am completely ignoring it after our date last week, but it's just that I am trying to prevent something that have started to grow on you. I have my problem sometimes with me being polite. There are things that I have and should say, but because I am afraid to hurt feelings, I keep it to myself, which turns out to me being misinterpreted and coming out as arrogant or what.

I have no issues actually being branded with whatsoever. I guess I really have to find this strength of telling people the truth what could actually hurt them somehow. This is the suckiest part of dating. It's when you deal with things you haven't predicted to happen. Which in reality, I should have known this already, but I kept myself from going away with it. I swear, it sucks!!!

Anyways, I just want you to know that what happened to us was actually nice that night. Unforgetable. Although you were surprising, and was wild, but I enjoyed your company, and that's the bottomline. Khenzo was even a witness to that. And that is something that I can really not forget, swear to whoever goddess there is.

"Uy, di ka na text.. Di ka naman ganyan..
Alam ko ayaw mo sa akin kasi di ako bagay sa'yo..
Obvious naman yun eh.. Sige, sabihin ko na nga..
Gusto kita James..
Gusto kita mahalin at seryosohin..
Pero kung ayaw mo sa akin..
Okay lang, tanggap ko yun..
Pero bigyan mo naman ako nang chance..
Kasi kahit di mo ako gusto..
Gagawin ko pa rin sa'yo ginagawa ko tulad dati..
Sana walang magbago.. Kung friend tingin mo sa akin..
Okay lang yun.. Happy na akong makausap ka..
Thanks talaga kagabi.. Hindi sa sex..
Kahit magkita tayo uli at walang sex, okay lang yun..
Mas maganda yun.. Sorry talaga sa nagawa ko kanina..
Sana maintindihan mo ako.."

When you texted me this, I really have no plans of changing things. Okay ka naman eh. But the part where it all ruined it was after that night. When you crossed the line. When you started demanding. When you are crazily pouring your attention to me. I have to admit, it really pissed me off especially those times when I said that I have tons of meetings to attend but you kept on bugging me on the phone. That really blown everything.

When someone wants to put the dating to the next level, kailangan dalawa kayo. Hindi pwedeng isa lang ang may gusto. And for my part, I wasn't taking that direction yet, but you insisted to drive in a different direction. And that's where I decided to get off the ride, and take no more of the journey. It was the end of it.

Lil L, you're a sweet guy. And I don't care if I sound crap on this, but I mean it. You are sweet. When you squeeze yourself to me while I was driving with matching heavy down pour of rain, that was sweet! And I like those stuff. I am hoping, and wishing, that you treat this as just one of your dates, and forget about it. Burry me. When you said you cried over this, that really killed me. I hate to know when there's someone getting hurt. I easily get guilty.

You will find the right guy for you. I guess I was just meant to passby in your life. Not meant to stay for a long time. That's how our life is. We meet different people in our lives. Some are there to stay, some to give lessons, some to give pain, some to give joy, some are just to passby. And we have to take whatever it is that they bring to our lives. This is the only way I can say it all. I apologize that I have no guts to tell you this thru phone. I am sorry.

But I wish you all the best. From the bottom of my heart.

TL